I’ll be real with you. I’m a recovering people-pleaser.
For years I said ‘yes’ when I wanted, and sometimes needed, to say ‘no’.
I poured out energy I didn’t have, bent myself into shapes that didn’t fit me and carried expectations that were never mine to carry. I was so close to burnout, I felt the warmth of its flames on my back- waiting to set me fully alight.
Sound familiar?
You’re not alone.
People pleasing is more common than most of us realise. It’s almost woven into our DNA as human beings. Even tech is programmed to people please, we’ve all received those cheery AI responses that hype us up, even when we know our question wasn’t all that great!
But let’s be clear: just because people pleasing is common doesn’t mean it’s healthy.
On the surface it looks harmless, but underneath it robs you of joy, drains your energy and slowly chips away at your peace.
Every “yes” you give when you’re running on empty is a ‘no’ to your emotional wellness
Life can be heavy enough.
The world gives us more than our share to wrestle with- racism, prejudices, microaggressions. Sometimes even our own community and family don’t accept our differences.
Add to that our personal struggles: financial worries, family issues. We can’t control all of these struggles, but we can control whether or not we hand over our peace and happiness by people pleasing.
Maybe it’s not you, but someone you love who is a people-pleaser? Watching a partner, sibling, or friend sacrifice their joy to keep others happy can be just as upsetting, and, let’s be honest, frigging frustrating!
Lets dive in…
What is a People Pleaser?
At its core, people pleasing is when you put other people’s needs before your own, even when it drains and hurts you. It shows up like this:
- Saying “yes” when you really want to say no.
- Agreeing to things that cause you stress, pain, or overwhelm.
- Sacrificing your time, rest or priorities for things you know you shouldn’t.
- Changing who you are to win someone’s approval.
- Changing who you are to avoid rejection.
People pleasing doesn’t always come from a bad place. Sometimes it comes from love, sometimes kindness, other times it’s survival. Often it comes from a deep desire for approval.
Over time, though, the habit of people-pleasing becomes so strong it feels impossible to break free.
𓋹 Make a change:
Next time you feel a “yes” rising in your throat, pause. Take a breath and ask yourself three questions:
- Why am I saying yes? Is it out of love, fear, guilt or habit?
- What will this yes cost me? Your time, energy, peace or boundaries?
- What would happen if I say no? The world isnt going to end, the people who truly care will still be there.
Give yourself permission to take a moment before responding, if you need time. You don’t owe anyone an instant answer. A simple, ‘let me get back to you‘ buys you time to check-in with your feelings and what’s best for you before committing.
Every intentional no makes space for a meaningful yes.
Why People Pleasing Shows Up in Black Communities:
Many of us in Black communities grew up with a survival mindset. Generations before us often didn’t have the luxury of saying no. For our parents and grandparents saying yes, keeping the peace, and ‘making it work’ was often tied to safety, survival, or even proving worth in a society that too often dismissed us.
Whilst these realities are not about people-pleasing, they may be responsible for why people-pleasing shows up in Black communities today:
Family duty: From childhood we may have been taught to carry responsibility early, looking after siblings, or putting family first, no matter what.
Cultural expectations: In church, community spaces, and workplaces, being the one who ‘holds it all together’ can feel like an unspoken role we must fill.
Growing up with a survival mindset may have caused some of us to become people pleasers, but carrying everything for everyone is not survival- it can be self-destruction.
People Pleasing Isn’t Strength, it’s Exhausting!
Somewhere along the way we confused people pleasing with strength. But true strength is not pouring yourself out until there’s nothing left.
Strength is protecting your joy.
Strength is setting boundaries without guilt.
Strength is saying no, so you can say yes to yourself.
It is important to point out that there is scientific evidence that giving to other people can increase our happiness and connection; Psychologist, Vanessa King, names ‘giving’ as one of the 10 keys to happier living.
I agree.
Giving to others can absolutely make you feel happier and more fulfilled, but only when giving is fuelled by love, not fear, and when it comes from overflow, not depletion.
When you give just to please people, more often than not it backfires. You end up trapped in a cycle of resentment, emptiness and expectation.
If you are giving your time, money, or energy only to please people, I guarantee you will eventually become drained because:
- You’re acting from fear or obligation, not genuine love.
- You suppress your own needs, which builds resentment over time.
- Putting yourself last eventually catches up with you.
You cannot give from an empty cup and you cannot run on an empty tank.
Why Saying No Is So Hard?
Why do so many of us struggle with no?
Possibly…
- Because its showing our love. We think we need to say yes to prove our love and care.
- For a quick fix. Being kind can give us a temporary high, like a shot of feel-good energy.
- To meet others’ expectations. Family, community and cultural norms can be the pressure that make it difficult to say no.
- Due to fear Many of us fear rejection, conflict, or being seen as selfish, so we say yes because we think that will keep the peace
- To seek approval. Saying yes can feel like buying a ticket to belonging, love and acceptance.
- Because of low self-worth. When you don’t truly believe your needs matter, it becomes easier to put others’ needs first.
Want to go deeper? We’ve got an insight dedicated to the art of saying no here.
How to Break Free from People Pleasing
Breaking the habit takes time, but it’s possible. Here’s where to start:
- Pause before you say yes. Ask yourself ‘do I really have the money, energy or time for this’?
- Start small. Practice saying no in low-stakes situations.
- Use gentle language. Boundaries don’t have to be harsh to be firm, try saying: ‘I can’t right now, but I wish you the best.’ (Need some more tips? Grab our free resource 20+ ways to say no without guilt).
- Remember your worth. Love and belonging don’t come from how much you give away, they come from who you are- your presence, your character, your authenticity.
- Check your motives. Before you say yes, pause and ask yourself: ‘am I choosing this from love or from fear’? If the answer is fear, that’s your cue to step back.
- Redefine strength. Instead of being the one who never says no, let your strength be rooted in authenticity, boundaries, and joy.
- Understand and set your boundaries. Know what your limits are in different parts of your life. Once you’re clear on them, make sure others know and respect them too.
Final Word:
The cost of people-pleasing is too high; it can rob you of your peace, energy and happiness.
When we choose ourselves, when we stop people pleasing, we have healthier relationships, stronger self-worth and create space for our own happiness and emotional wellness.
Of course, being kind and giving to others is important, it increases our happiness and satisfaction with life. BUT we must not give just to people-please.
Saying no when necessary isn’t selfish; it’s self-care.
Your wellness, your joy and your peace are essential to your life and the life of others.
Salute to the Sources
Deep gratitude to the thought leaders and artists who inspired this reflection:
- Main Image: Photo by Craig Adderley on Pexels.com
- Positive Psychologist Vanessa King, author of 10 Keys to Happier Living
- Strong woman image by Reagan M on Unsplash
- Trapped Image, Photo by Palak Trivedi on Unsplash
- Chain image by Aida L on Unsplash
