When was the last time you asked yourself, “How am I really doing?”
In fact, have you ever stopped and considered how you’re really doing?
Not the surface-level ‘I’m good’ or ‘I’m fine’, that we often reply when someone asks. I mean the deeper truth. The kind of truth that sits in your chest when you’re alone, when no one is around to judge.
That is the starting point of emotional wellness: recognising and understanding our emotions, feelings, thoughts, and behaviours.
A lot of us are quick to check in on our physical health, we drink more water, go for a walk, cut back on sugar. But how often do you check in with your feelings and your mind?
Here’s a reality we can’t ignore, compared to white British people rates show that:
Black women are more likely to experience an anxiety disorder or depression.
Black men are three times more likely to experience psychosis.
These realities are disturbing and demoralising.
They resonate deeply with me as a Black woman, and remind me why we must urgently prioritise our emotional wellness.
By improving our emotional wellness we increase the quality of our life.
Lets go deeper…
Understanding Emotions:
Psychologist, Paul Ekman, identified seven basic emotions that he said are universal across all humans:
- Happiness
- Sadness
- Fear
- Anger
- Surprise
- Disgust
- Contempt.
Of course, our emotional lives are much richer than these seven emotions, we also feel pride, guilt, excitement, jealousy, and so many others, but these are referred to as the seven foundation emotions.
Emotions are important because they shape how we think, and how we think is central to who we are.
One of my favourite books, Outwitting the Devil, by Napoleon Hill, describes thoughts as being our highest power. Rick Warren, in his book the Purpose Driven Life, also emphasises the power of our thoughts when he writes: ‘ to change your life you must change the way you think’.
I explore this in my post The Power of Your Thoughts, have a read if you’re curious to understand just how much what you think shapes your life.
So, What is Emotional Wellness?
The terms ‘emotional wellness’ and ‘mental wellness’ are often used interchangeably, but they are not the same thing.
The American Psychological Association defines mental health as “a state of mind characterized by emotional well-being” and the Mental Health Foundation sees the ability to manage emotions as an aspect of mental health. Emotional wellness is therefore a core component of mental health- but is not mental health itself.
Emotional wellness is:
- Recognising and managing your emotions.
- Finding ways to express your emotions in healthy ways
- Being able to cope with challenging life events.
- Recognising and stopping unhealthy relationships and cultivating healthy, supportive ones
- Having a sense of worth, meaning and purpose in life.
Let’s look at each one of these elements in a little more detail:
Recognising and Managing Your Emotions:
To be emotionally well we need to recognise and be honest about what we feel. We can’t manage our emotions if we don’t recognise and acknowledge them. Too often, we push our emotions down or cover them up with “I’m fine.” But negative emotions, like anger, jealousy or fear, don’t just disappear when they are ignored. Ignoring them can affect our mental wellbeing. They show up in our bodies, in our behaviours and in the choices we make.
Recognising your emotions is not about making judgements about them; feeling bad, guilty or ashamed about your emotions is definitely not emotional wellness. That wouldn’t make sense, would it? You can’t improve your emotional wellness by making yourself feel worse. But let’s be real, how many of you have had these thoughts:
- “I’m so stupid for feeling like that.”
- “How fake I must be to be jealous of my friend.”
- “I’m an idiot for trusting her again.”
- “I’m such a fool; I need to toughen up.”
This is what judging emotions sounds like. But judgement doesn’t help us heal, it only leaves us emotionally drained and stressed.
A personal story:
For 3 years, on New Year’s Eve, I would break down crying.
When it got to 12am, the beginning of a new year, I would call my mum, my aunty and other family members to wish them a Happy New Year… while still crying.
I did this for 3 years.
I never told them the reason I was crying, I didn’t quite understand it myself to be honest, so instead I let them think I was just emotional because it was the New Year- new year blues and all that!
The truth was I cried because I was lonely, I felt disappointed in the year I had, and I was not hopeful about the year ahead. I imagined everyone else out celebrating while I was home alone with my children. I was upset because I felt another year had gone by and I hadn’t achieved what I thought I would.
For me to change that narrative, flip that script, I had to start by acknowledging my emotions, naming them: ‘loneliness’ and ‘disappointment’. Then I could begin the work to understand where they were coming from and then take control of them.
Once I did that work I realised going out clubbing on New Year’s Eve wasn’t even what I wanted. And when I really looked at my life, without comparing myself to others, it hit me that I was achieving. In fact, I was doing something incredible: raising my children, studying my diploma and working a job, all at the same time. A massive achievement.
Shortly after, I no longer broke down in tears on New Years Eve. Because I no longer felt disappointment, and I was hopeful about the years to come.
By recognising and naming my emotions, I could begin the work necessary to understand and manage my issues. That understanding gave me the desire and motivation to change.
Psychiatrist, Daniel Siegel, has a great phrase for how we recognise and manage our emotions; “name it, to tame it.” In other words, when we put our feelings into words, they start to feel a little less overwhelming.
I also love the way Mo Gawdat puts it in his book Unstressable:
“When we name it, we can understand it. And when we understand it, we can tame it.”
𓋹 Make a Change:
Take a quiet moment and reflect on an emotion that’s been showing up in you lately. Ask yourself:
- What is the name of this emotion?
- What triggered it?
- How is it affecting me?
- Is this emotion serving me?
- How do I need to respond?
Naming your emotions builds self-awareness. Understanding them gives you the power to respond to life with intention, not reaction.
Finding Ways to Express Your Emotions in Healthy Ways:
Bottled-up emotions are like shaken fizzy cans, eventually they explode.
And when they explode it’s usually messy and sticky.
The key is learning how to release your emotions in ways that heal, not harm.
Ways that heal might be talking with a friend, praying, listening to music, writing, or exercising.
All of these releases work for me, but at different times and for different emotions. No one outlet works for every emotion. Sometimes anger needs movement, like boxing, running, dancing, until the sweat pours. Grief, on the other hand, might need stillness- writing in a journal, sitting in prayer, meditating or simply allowing your tears to fall. Betrayal might need a long talk with a trusted friend.
Expressing emotions isn’t weakness- it’s strength.
But, here’s an important thing; emotional releases are tools, not destinations. Journaling, praying, dancing, venting to a friend- these are powerful ways to release, but they’re not meant to become places our emotions stay stuck in. If we replay the same pain in our journal without moving toward closure, or if we vent endlessly without reflection, we risk turning release into rumination.
Healthy outlets should give you space and clarity and then move you toward the next stage: rebuilding, setting boundaries, or making peace. Expressing your emotions is the release valve, not the whole journey. Think of it like crying: tears can release pain, but if we stay in tears forever, we never rise into joy.
The goal isn’t just to express, it’s to express and then progress.
𓋹 Make a Change:
Choose one emotion you’ve been carrying this week and give it a safe release; maybe you journal, go for a swim, pray or go for a walk. Whatever outlet you choose focus on releasing the feeling itself, try not to replay the event that caused it.
Use the outlet to lift the emotion out of you.
After the release take a moment to quietly reflect, by asking yourself questions like:
- What is this feeling teaching me?
- Is this emotion rooted in the present, or am I carrying it from the past?
- How can I accept the presence of this emotion without letting it take control?
Being Able to Cope with Challenging Life Events:
Life will test us.
We will experience loss, setbacks, disappointments and unexpected changes. Emotional wellness doesn’t mean avoiding pain, that’s not realistic.
None of us can dodge struggle.
We will get upset, low, even distressed, because life can throw some painful blows. Emotional wellness doesn’t mean always being happy and joyful.
None of us can prevent the pains of life.
Emotional wellness is getting back up after being knocked down, it’s finding ways to keep it moving after being stopped, it’s bending without breaking, it’s stumbling but not falling.
Emotional wellness is about resilience.
Let’s consider some real-life examples:
- A loved one is seriously ill. You’re scared, crying daily, not eating, numbing the pain with alcohol. That’s the emotional response. The wellness response is naming your emotions aloud: “I am scared. I don’t want to lose them.” then praying for strength, leaning on faith, and giving yourself grace in the storm.
- You gamble away your month’s pay. The guilt and shame hit hard, you panic about bills you haven’t paid and are angry at yourself for doing it again. Emotional wellness doesn’t mean ignoring your problem. It’s acknowledging it, taking accountability, reaching out for help and making a plan to recover, one step at a time.
- A relationship ends. Your emotional response is you feel rejected, betrayed and lonely; you may even question your worth. Emotional wellness is allowing yourself to grieve but also reminding yourself that heartbreak doesn’t define you. Say daily affirmations that lift you, lean on trusted friends and be kind to yourself.
Let me remind you, Black communities across the world know something about resilience; from the legacy of the Windrush generation to the courage of the Civil Rights Movement, our history teaches us that coping doesn’t mean denying hardship, it means facing it and finding ways to rise anyway.
As Bashy reminds us in one of my favourite songs of 2024, Made in Britain: “Survival is in our DNA.”
𓋹 Make a Change:
Don’t wait for the storm to hit before you look for shelter. Start building your ‘coping toolkit’ today.
Think of it like packing a bag for life’s rough days. Fill it with three things that can restore your strength. Maybe it’s the phone number of a friend who always keeps it real, a playlist that lifts your spirit, or a journal where you write your prayers and affirmations. Keep that toolkit close for when life shakes you.
Recognising and Stopping Unhealthy Relationships:
Emotional wellness flourishes in spaces where you feel valued, respected, accepted, and safe. It’s almost impossible to stay emotionally well when you’re tied to toxic or unhealthy relationships whether romantic, family, friendship or work.
Relationships that are draining, controlling or simply make you feel bad, damage your emotional wellness.
Too many of us spend our precious time and energy in relationships that zap our emotional wellness. It is only when you are able to acknowledge a relationship is unhealthy that you can do something about it. The key word here is you. You can’t force someone else to change, but you can choose how you respond.
I created a simple framework I call The Three Rs to Managing Unhealthy Relationships, to help us remember that even in difficult relationships, we still have choices. The Three Rs are: Release, Regulate, Reframe.
- Release: Sometimes the healthiest choice is to let go completely. Walking away may hurt, but it protects your peace.
- Regulate: If you can’t step away, especially when it’s family, set firm relationship boundaries, by limiting how much access people have to your time, energy and emotions.
- Reframe: Teach others how to treat you by communicating your needs clearly, and by openly showing the love and care you have for yourself.
For many of us, loyalty runs deep. We’ve been taught to ‘ride or die’, to protect family business or to put others first. But if loyalty is costing you your peace, it’s no longer loyalty, it’s self-abandonment.
𓋹 Make a Change: Reflect on the people in your life.
Ask yourself: “who makes me feel upset, who makes me feel drained, who makes me feel bad? Then consider whether this relationship needs to be released, regulated or reframed? I’ll be sharing a deeper exploration of my framework, The Three Rs to Managing Unhealthy Relationships, in a full blog post very soon.
Having a Sense of Worth, Meaning, and Purpose in Life:
At the core of emotional wellness is the deep belief that your life has value.
Too many of us carry lies that were passed down through society, family or even our own inner critic- whispers that hurt our heart and chip away at our confidence saying, you’re not enough, not worthy, not capable.
For Black women especially, our worth has been under attack for generations. From being labelled ‘too loud’ or ‘too aggressive’ to being told we’re unattractive, we’ve carried heavy judgments, sometimes even from within our own community.
For Black men, the battle has also been harsh; society often stereotype you as threats, denies your tenderness, and even within our own circles you can be told to ‘man up’ when you are feeling genuinely defeated and bruised, instead of being valued for your full humanity and vulnerabilities.
The very fact that you are alive is extraordinary – the chances of you being here, in this moment, are beyond measure:
Your life has a worth that no one can take away. And when you know that, you show up differently, you walk with confidence, you make choices that honour your values and you refuse to shrink yourself to fit anyone else’s expectations
Self-worth is essential for emotional wellness.
As well as self-worth having a sense of meaning and purpose is also essential for emotional wellness. Purpose is the life-force for emotional wellness and acts like an internal satnav, it gives direction when life feels uncertain.
Research shows that people with a strong sense of meaning and purpose recover faster from trauma, cope better with challenges and experience less stress and anxiety.
For young adults, this couldn’t be more important. Research shows that when they don’t have purpose they’re more vulnerable to depression and anxiety. So, if you’ve got someone in your family aged between 18 and 26, be intentional about supporting their emotional wellness, remind them of their gifts, speak life into their dreams and encourage them with their goals.
𓋹 Make a Change:
Take time this week to explore your worth and purpose. Here are four simple steps to begin:
- Write Your Worth Statement – On a page, finish this sentence: “I am worthy because…”, write this three times with different reasons for your worthiness. Keep it personal, honest, and real. Read it back to yourself daily.
- Name Your Why – Jot down one to three things that give your life meaning right now, it could be your family, your faith, your creativity, or your community.
- Discover Your Purpose Clues – Purpose often hides in plain sight. Ask yourself:
- What activities make me lose track of time?
- What struggles have I overcome that I could help someone else with?
- What brings me both joy and a sense of responsibility?
Write down your answers, they are signposts pointing toward your purpose.
- Set a Purpose Intention – Each morning, ask: ‘How can I live out my purpose today, even in a small way?’ Then commit to one action that aligns with it.
So, Are You Emotionally Well?
Now you have read this insight, take a moment to pause and be honest with yourself as you reflect on these questions:
- Do I allow myself to feel?
Or do I push emotions down, telling myself ‘I’ll deal with it later’? - How do I respond to stress?
Do I lash out, numb out, or lean into healthy coping strategies? - Do I have safe spaces?
Friends, family, or community where I can be fully myself, without judgement. - Am I kind to myself?
Do I extend grace to myself the way I would to someone I love? - Do I set boundaries?
Or do I regularly say ‘yes’ at the expense of my peace?
If you find yourself struggling with some of these questions, it doesn’t mean you’re failing. It simply means there’s room to develop your emotional wellness.
Emotional wellness is not a destination; it’s a daily practice.
Final Word:
Emotional wellness is not about perfection, it’s about practice. Some days you’ll feel strong, other days you may stumble or even fall- but what matters is that you keep getting up and showing up for yourself.
When you honour your feelings, find healthy ways to release them, build resilience, protect your peace, and affirm your worth, you are reclaiming your emotional freedom.
Remember, your emotions are not your enemy, they are guides, teachers, and reminders that you are alive and human. Walk with them, not against them.
Nurture your emotional wellness daily, because when your inner world is strong, everything else in your life flows stronger too.
Salute to the Sources:
Deep gratitude to the thought leaders, writers, and cultural voices who inspired this reflection:
- Main image: Photo by Jeffery Erhunse on Unsplash.
- Paul Ekman for his research on universal human emotions.
- Napoleon Hill (Outwitting the Devil) and Rick Warren (The Purpose Driven Life) for reminding us of the power of thoughts.
- Mo Gawdat (Unstressable) for his wisdom: “When we name it, we can understand it. And when we understand it, we can tame it.”
- Image: man holding is head by Mental Health America on Pexels
- Image: woman holding her head by Baptista Ime James on Unsplash
- Image: seated man by Joanna Ashiegbu on Unsplash
- The Rethink Mental Illness organisation for their sobering statistics on Black mental health.
- Bashy, whose amazing 2024 track Made in Britain declares, “Survival is in our DNA.”
- And, above all, the resilience of our communities- past and present- who show us daily what it means to bend without breaking.
